GMAFR – Day 4

Well, yesterday was awful. AWFUL. I have a new boss at work who seems to be making it his mission to ruin my life. No matter what I do, I can’t do it right. If I take action on something, I shouldn’t have. If I don’t, then he doesn’t understand why I can’t do something simple. Half the time when he’s out of the office, he doesn’t respond to email, which is fine, but then he wants to be involved in everything. We have meetings just to have meetings. And worst of all: he’s a grumpy jerk. Almost all the time. When he’s in a good mood, he wants to be best friends, though. But mostly you don’t want to cross him. Meetings are the most negative experience of my week. And they happen Monday mornings. As if Mondays don’t suck enough.

So, on Thursday, I knew he was off work on Friday. And at about 3:00 his light in his office was off, so I assumed he was gone not only for the day, but for the weekend. We had a server down, and all it required was a power up. So my options are: 1. go to the location, press the power button, 2. ignore the issue 3. forward it to him, hope he gets it and tells me what to do, 4. tell someone else to deal with it.

If I tell this other person to deal with it, I’ve already gotten bitched out for doing that in the past, or asking if I should do that. So that’s out. Plus, I’m not in any position to tell anyone else to do anything. Especially if I’m capable of doing it. If I forward the email it’s likely just as good as ignoring the issue. And the server could be down for the entire weekend. In my eyes, on Monday, when he gets the email, I’ll get asked, “What you can’t push a power button? What do you need me to give you permission to turn a server back on for?” Or, the easiest, quickest, most efficient solution, in my eyes: do it myself. So I do.

And I get bitched out. Apparently he wasn’t gone for the day. I don’t know anyone who goes to a meeting in the same building and turns off their office light. But apparently he does. And apparently I’m supposed to know this. I thought most people left their lights on so everyone knows they’re at work. But what do I know? It’s just the standard.

And he wanted me to ASK him if it was OK if I went. Um, hello. I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONE!!!!

So instead of being grateful I drove 1 1/2 hours round trip, he acts like I was trying to go behind his back, step on toes, and was being totally disrespectful and insubordinate.

Well, EFF YOU! I hate this job with this new boss. I don’t want to jump over a moody landmine everyday. I don’t want to try to guess whether you want me to wait for your permission, pass it onto someone else, or do it myself. I don’t want to be made to be a selfish person when I’m really trying to be a team player.

So what does this turn into? All I want to do is BINGE EAT!!!! And all I can think about are things like Mexcian food, cheeseburgers, cheese fries, pizza, breadsticks. Pretty much anything heavy, greasy and carby. And no matter what I do, I can’t get these thoughts out of my head. I even pulled into a fast food place on my way back from the location where the server was, and luckily got stuck behind some dude who couldn’t order, so I left. On the way home, I called my mom, thinking if I vented I’d get over it. But that didn’t help. She said she gets the same way when she gets angry, and she told me to ride my bike. Only my bike had two flat tires when I got home. UGH. REALLY!?!? And I could air one up, but the other one wouldn’t even let me air it up. It was like it had a broken valve or something.

But… Instead of getting back in my car and heading for a drive through, I substituted the lesser of two evils. I keep some decent calorie, small portions of frozen pizza in my deep freeze. They’re those “occasional” foods I try not to make off limits, but only hit up when I’m having a pizza craving. I try to keep the calories somewhere between 350 and 550. So instead of having what probably would have been a 1500 calorie dinner (or more!), I had a 400 calorie pizza and a fruit smoothie. Then laid on my couch watching old episodes of 90210. And didn’t do a damn thing else the rest of the night.

I’m still angry today, but luckily my boss is off work. It’s such a relief to walk in and see his office empty. And I’m actually pretty proud of my food decisions last night. It was VERY tough. But hopefully each time it’ll get easier. Because this boss isn’t going anywhere. And in this economy, I can’t quit. He’s gonna have to fire me to get rid of me! And then at least I’ll get unemployment.

However, I got up this morning with a new outlook: I’m not letting some jerk ruin my path to being healthy. He’s not worth getting angry over. But that’s hard to control. But I CAN control what I put in my body in response to the anger since I’m not the type to call him out on his attitude (although, honestly, I probably should). I finished up the last of my blueberries and cantaloupe last night, so I got up this morning and went to the grocery store first thing. I stocked up on food and made some fresh salsa. I made a breakfast burrito and fruit smoothie for breakfast.

And I’m smugly sitting at my desk. Telling myself he didn’t win! :-)

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. jennewby71
    Aug 05, 2011 @ 12:50:57

    Wow! you did SO GOOD!! I think after all that I would have just found another drive through! I totally get like that too when I’m mad or stressed. But for you to make a way better choice is really great! You are so right that it could have been worse. Good job! I’ll try to remember your example next time I’m feeling that way. And what a great point about not letting him win and derail your weight loss efforts! That’s a great way to think about it. I think lots of times my thoughts and feelings get in the way of the big picture so whatever has upset me, wins. You are so right and I never thought of it that way. Why give someone or something the power to only hurt us more in the long run?

    Reply

    • stumbletowardhealth
      Aug 05, 2011 @ 13:34:12

      I agree! It was really hard. And it was like I was OCD a litle about it. Not that I’m minimizing that disease, but I can’t explain it. It was like I was angry, so I wanted food. I told myself the food wouldn’t make what he did upset me any less. And I still wanted food. And the more I tried to talk myself out of it, the more it became the ONLY thing I coudl think about. And it makes me wonder if that’s how it is with a drug addict or alcoholic. I always think, “Why not just never drink again or do the drugs again?” But it really was the only thought in my head. I could busy myself for a few minutes, but I kept going back to wanting that junk food. I felt like the only way to escape it was to sleep. I felt a lot better this morning. And in a way, overcoming that hurdle last night makes me feel like I’m even stronger today. Which I suppose is also similar to someone breaking an addiction. Sometimes if they can just get through that first craving or whatever it is, they know in the future they can get through it again and again.

      And the thing is with some of those weight loss clinics they put you in, you don’t have any of the stressors. We can talk about work stress all day long, but until I’m in the situtiaon, it’s hard to say, “This is how I feel, and this is how I should react.” It’s totally irrational while it’s happening. And normally I don’t admit, “I want to eat because I’m mad” because it sounds so stupid. But I said it out loud, and it was also comforting that the two people I said it to said, “I’m that way, too. And if you eat, you’ll just be more upset because 1. you’re already upset, 2. you ate when you didn’t need to and feel like crap b/c you probably ate too much and 3. it didn’t fix anything and now you feel guilty.

      I’m going to try to formulate some type of post organizing all of this. Stress eating when work’s too stressful is what caused me to gain all of my weight back. And I think I developed a lot of comfort through food during that time that I need to break. And the real issue is learning to deal with the emotions. I think all I really wanted yesterday was to be validated that he was being a jerk. Although what that proves, I’m not sure? I guess I wanted to be right??!?!? LOL. I need to figure out how not to care and let it roll off. Because he’s not going anywhere!

      Reply

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