I’m Back!

Although it’s unfair to say the plan I was working on didn’t work, I can say fairly that it’s no longer working. My support system is no longer supportive. And I’ve stalled.

I haven’t been around much in the past several years. I found a community I really liked. One that was supportive, encouraging, welcoming, and offered a different perspective. Unfortunately, that community has grown a lot and now supportive has turned into competitive. Encouraging has turned into judgmental. Welcoming has turned into snobby. And different perspectives are just ways for people to try to prove how smart they think they are. People regurgitate “advice” that’s popular on the site. The difference is:

  • Instead of telling you to be more careful with calories or eat less when you haven’t lost weight, it’s common to tell you to eat more. What? Neither mindset works for me.
  • Instead of focusing on more and more and more cardio, depending on who you’re talking to, they want you to start doing x, y or z instead.
  • No one on the site (or any site, really) has any appreciation that every body is different. Every one. One diet doesn’t work for all of us. One workout plan doesn’t work for everyone. Sure, maybe you can get by on zero cardio, but I actually need it. It brings up my moods, and gives me much-needed cardio endurance.
  • In all, my experience is weight loss/health sites are prowled by selfish people looking to stand out. I’m not selfish. I don’t want to compete. I want to compete with myself to be better than I was yesterday. I want to work toward a goal of health (which includes losing weight, and becoming strong, but still able to run around 3 miles, hike for hours, and swim). I don’t want to be the best at one thing so I get recognition on the site. I want to be the best me I can be.
  • I don’t want to compete with what I eat. There’s definitely a movement for who can be the most/best at diets. That’s not me. I don’t think that’s healthy. It’s definitely the direction health/fitness is going, though.
  • I also don’t want to compete for best cook. I am a good cook. But why is it a competition? I feel as frustrated where I am (or was, I guess) as I was looking for a site before I found this place. Too bad it’s changed.

In short, it’s not working for me. At all.

So, I’m back! And I actually said to myself I wished I’d never left. However, I don’t think I’m being fair. When I left, it was because after a year, I was going backward with weight and especially inches. And it wasn’t because I was doing anything wrong. For the past two and a half years, I’ve been fighting my body. I’ve been fighting sudden onset of autoimmune problems. And I’ve been working to heal and move forward. I am actually at a point where I feel healthy. Or, healthy enough I should be able to work on weight loss.

Some things I’m stil struggling with:

  • I’m not sure my magnesium deficiency is totally resolved. Some days I think it is. Others I don’t. I’m still having a lot of muscle cramping, especially in my calves.
  • I still have a few autoimmune things going on. They’re mostly resolved, but still exist. I need to keep an eye on them for flares. Then be honest about what may have caused the flares.
  • Because of my calf problems, I’m really, really struggling to get much cardio in my life. I cramp really fast, and feel like my legs are fatigued for days after. This makes weight loss really hard.
  • While my sleeping issues are mostly resolved, I still have nights I struggle to fall and stay asleep. They’re nowhere near as bad as they were. But they’re also not 100%.
  • I have a lot of fuzzy-headedness. Problems focusing, remembering basic stuff, and feeling blah/tired when I shouldn’t.These symptoms are improved, but they’re still something I’m working on.
  • My weight is up. It’s up about 30 pounds from when I left. But only up about 15 pounds from when I started tracking here. And the great thing is, even fifteen pounds more, my measurements are almost exactly what they were before. Meaning, I guess I HAVE gained some muscle! Which I suppose will be proven when I update my current lifting numbers! So, bottom line: I need to keep up weight lifting.
  • I really struggle with my weight and current size. I feel like people judge me. Some people do. Many people assume I’m failing at my diet. Others assume I’m lying about what I eat (to myself and others), or how much I work out. People assume I’m just starting a diet or exercise plan or I jump from one thing to another all the time. The truth is, it’s no one’s business what I’m doing. And somehow society has told people who are overweight, we owe others explanations. Or we are required to feel ashamed of who we are.
  • Even though it was only for a short term (maybe two years), I got in a terrible battle with orthorexia. I did it to myself, but I didn’t even realize it was a thing or a problem. I thought what I was doing was healthy. I feel like I’m 90% out of that frame of mine, and feel like it’s easy enough not to go back. But I will discuss my struggles, where my head was at, and where I am now.
  • I have a lot, lot, lot of problems with flexibility and mobility. This is something I work on every day – both by myself and weekly with a chiropractor. ART (active release technique) has made a huge different in just a few treatments. Without proper flexibility, it makes proper form on lifts hard. Bad form means injuries.
  • I feel not like myself. It could simply be this is who I am now, but I feel short on patience, anxious, moody, and sometimes emotional. However, lack of emotion is also an issue. I know anxiety can come from a magneisum deficiency. And maybe if my sleep were better, I’d work out some of the other stuff. But these issues are there, and I want to monitor them.
  • The last thing kind of ties into the previous item. I feel emotionally disconnected. I have a really hard time letting people in. And seem to be flailing a little socially. I’d rather be alone. I feel like I can’t do anything right socially. And like I push people away. I generally do OK with friends I’ve had a long time, but have a hard time forming new friendships. Most of it is I feel like I don’t care. Part of it I honestly think is social media. And the final bit feels like a disconnect between who I am and who I’m acting like. So I also will be talking about steps to improve this.

I think that’s it! It’s kind of a long list. But they’re things I want to work through on here.

So what am I going to do?

  • I’m going to start tracking my weight and measurements again. Keeping progress on a monthly basis like I had been. Any movement in the right direction will count as progress. No movement will require re-evaluation.
  • I’m going to pick one of the items listed above and write about it. Write about the struggles, and what I’ve done for a day, a week, a month. Then discuss whether it worked or not.
  • I probably won’t discuss my day-to-day workouts, but I might disucss something in general I’m working on.
  • I also won’t be talking about caloric intake. But might discuss struggles I have with food cravings, if I’m currently struggling with anything. Or I might discuss recipes I’ve made that I really loved.

It should be disclaimed that I’m not following a popular diet. All foods are on-limits. I do occasionally eat pizza. Or Mexican food. But I mostly eat food that I’ve taken the time to make with minimal quesitonable ingredients. I don’t repeat meals very often, but I do batch cook on the weekends and eat generaly the same meal for breakfast, lunch and dinner for that week. I won’t apologize for what I do or don’t eat. Or for eating gluten or dairy or sugar. I’ll talk at some point about how I got really extreme with diet. How defensive I got. How frustrated and isolated I became. And also why feeling like that was comforting.

Anyway, that’s a lot of writing for one post! I’m not sure what I’ll discuss next. But I’ll get my numbers (weight, measurements, lifting numbers) updated this weekend if I can.



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