Fast – Day Four – Update 2

I just want to eat something. Not because I’m hungry. My hunger has gone in waves pretty fast today. And right this second I’m about a 4. Not terrible at all. And not because I feel tired or too foggy, although I am more foggy than earlier this morning. But mostly because I feel like I need a distraction. I even got out and ran an errand at lunch, but still want to eat. I am thinking about all of the places close to work I could run to.

And I’m also thinking about dinner. I’d told myself if I waited until dinner I could break the fast with pizza. I know that’s a terrible choice nutritionally, but I haven’t had pizza in quite awhile, and I’ve been wanting it. For the 5:2 fast where you fast two days, eat five, you can eat anything you want on feast days. I understand the better you eat, the better your body probably does, but if I have a good breakfast the next day (or go back into the fast), my body should be able to recover from pizza. That’s kind of the point.

I feel emotional about the whole thing right this second for some reason. I think because someone at work is complaining at me, trying to start a dramatic conspiracy theory. I’m trying to get myself organized to do a few things that need to be done but aren’t urgent. And I’m thinking about food. And food sounds like the best procrastination/distraction at this point. Plus, well, it’s pizza. My friend and I have been talking about getting pizza one night for over a month. And it’s my favorite food. It’s like a perfect storm leading to a bad decision. I’d even be willing to do a low carb homemade pizza, and the only reason I’m avoiding it is to avoid the mess of cooking. And then I’m also saying, “Is breaking the fast with pizza healthy? Some people say to ease into it. So maybe I should have something earlier…”

It’s all kind of a mess, honestly. I think I don’t want to be at work, and food is the easiest way to make the time pass. And that’s probably the crux of my problem. Put something in my mouth to make the unbearable more bearable. That’s kind of how I got into emotional eating in the first place. I ate through the pain of a breakup. I used food and eating out to distract me from the sadness, to have a connection with someone else, to enjoy a few moments of distracted happiness. Then I think the food itself turned into the comfort. And I have eaten though all kinds of things since – finals, work stress, embarrassment, anger, annoyance. And in this case, boredom and apathy.

I want to not want the food just to have the food. But I want the food just to have the food. I’d compare it to probably how an alcoholic feels randomly. Or course, with far less personal repercussions. But just kind of this nagging, obsessive feeling I can’t make go away. It feels like air is whispering thoughts of food to me!

I’m not even sure I know what I’ll do next. Right now, the plan is to go ahead and order pizza for dinner.

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