Helplessness, Hopelessness, Disconnected and Weight Loss

First, I’m not suicidal. Just to be very clear. There is a wide space for depression. And I’m in a space where I feel helpless, hopeless and disconnected. And I can’t decide whether my inability to lose weight causes some of these feelings and reinforces it. Or if these feelings are largely there because I feel like a failure.

I’m trying so hard to NOT restrict and to eat intuitively. But my intuition doesn’t seem to be WORKING. And by working I mean I’m not losing and feel like I’m gaining. Or at the very least I’m bloated and lethargic.

I’m having a terrible time with social media lately. First, we all know social media is where we pretend to be who we want to be. I’m a very honest person, so for some reason watching people lie makes me uncomfortable and even bitter. It’s like the truth exists in a separate place than social media spin. But we all pretend the spin is real.

I’d love to find friends who don’t use any social media, and who don’t text. That sounds insane, right? But the disconnection makes me feel detached and it’s easy to stay isolated because alone or with people who are obsessed with a PR spin, or scrolling on their phone, feels the same. At least alone I can do what I want. And I don’t have to put on nice clothes.

I have been doing a workout every single day. And that’s not helping with my melancholy. I’ve started to be more intentional about taking vitamin D, my iron supplement and B vitamins. Today I dug in the bottom of my vitamin cabinet and found St Johns wort, mucuna l-dopa and l-tryptophan. Things I’d taken in the past for these feelings.

I probably should get on antidepressants, but honestly, finding someone to prescribe and starting the long road of finding the right medicine also feels overwhelming. I do feel like if one or two things would go my way, my mood would turn around. I’ve been putting so much into working out and improving my relationship with food, that it’s mostly the one thing that isn’t working. Of course, my job is also endlessly frustrating and that doesn’t help. And my friends and family all have their own lives and families that take their times. So I just mostly exist. I’m also largely unhappy with my state in this political climate, but can’t find a job elsewhere. So I am also stuck.

I don’t want to be fat anymore, but don’t want to starve myself short term and gain back. I don’t want to keep existing with family and friends I’m low on the priority list of, but I’ve found that most people get married and the friendships I had dissolve once that happens. Most people want to be married, so there’s not much point in finding a new group of friends for the fourth time. And my job sucks, but it pays the bills. And all jobs suck.

So I just wish I could figure out weight loss!


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