Losing weight, overwhelming hunger, and sustainability

It’s been awhile since I’ve posted. I’ve felt pretty lost and frustrated and hopeless over the last couple of years. After losing weight while I had some digestive issues (I think the fear of the unknown, the surgery, and the future zapped my appetite), and then gaining it ALL back, despite my fiercest efforts, after getting well and my appetite coming back in the strongest way, I wasn’t sure what was next. Then two things happened.

First, Ozempic (and Wegovy, and the like).

Second, I discovered Stephan Guyenet.

Obviously, all of the success with semaglutide drugs is hard to ignore. People who have struggled their entire lives, hungry, shamed, dismissed and overweight, are suddenly figuring out what life is like when you feel full as you eat, and aren’t hungry all the time, especially while trying to lose or after losing weight. And doctors have mostly said good things, with the biggest criticism that the drugs won’t be prescribed chronically, or insurance will try to block it. I have my upcoming annual appointment this month, and it’s top of my list. So much so, if my doctor won’t prescribe, I’m willing to change doctors to someone who will. My heels are in the ground because of Guyenet.

I have heard about Guyenet over the years, but haven’t bought his book. However, I’ve read a lot of his stuff, and have spent the past couple of months listening to podcasts he’s been a guest on. And the information he shares makes me feel “seen” more than anything I’ve ever read about food.

I have willpower. I am ambitious. I don’t have food issues. I am just too hungry to lose weight and keep it off. Guyenet says that, basically, when you start to lose weight or have lost weight, your brain freaks out and won’t let you rest, overwhelming you with hunger, until you gain it back. This is exactly what I experienced in 2022 after losing weight in 2020 and 2021, while sick. The hunger was so bad, I couldn’t focus at work, I couldn’t sleep, and I called my mom literally crying because I didn’t want to gain the weight back but was so hungry all the time. Eventually, I ate. And once I gained 40 pounds, I just gave up, and gained the other 20. Where I finally wasn’t constantly hungry.

To be clear, my BMI is in the obese range. Surely, a sixty pound difference says as much, but the weight I’m at is NOT a healthy weight, but it seems to be what my brain thinks I should weight.

Guyenet also talks about how obesity impacts your body’s ability to either make or acknowledge leptin, I can’t remember which. So this causes you to overeat if you aren’t careful, and gain (albeit, much, much more slowly than when you’re below your set weight).

He also talks about how when you’re at a deficit and have lost or are losing, it’s only your brain that thinks you’re starving. You aren’t actually starving. But, eventually, your body will compensate and even lower your metabolic rate so you burn fewer calories. He also talks about making sure you’re avoiding food triggers (I am good at this, I live alone and don’t buy junk), and trying to avoid eating a variety of foods that will keep you interested in taking more and more bites.

This concept of wanting to go back for more is an interesting one. Either you have a plate with a lot of variety or it’s very eatable, even after you’ve had enough. Think Thanksgiving for variety, where you might get bored with one food and move to the next and next until you’re over-stuffed. The only reason I don’t get miserable like most of my family is I like three things, put those on my plate, eat, and then wait a few hours for dessert. The food is delicious, but I don’t have mine or ten items to keep my interest piqued. Or, consider how most restaurants have a protein, starch, veggies, a variety of textures and flavors, and it’s full of umami and fat and salt, which makes it so interesting, you keep wanting more. On food competition shows, the judges will always reference how “this dish made me want to keep co,one back for one more bite,” or “each bite was something new, it was so interesting and crave-able.”

So what’s the trick? One option is fully bland food, which I know from experience will make me toss it and run out for a pizza or fast food. Learning to cook in my twenties was how I was able to eat healthier. The food had to be good or I’d get frustrated and just eat what was easy. So, I know bland isn’t the answer.

But is less varied the answer? Nothing fully off limits, but instead of a protein and a starch and veggies and a salad, would it benefit me to have a protein and one side? No matter what that protein or side is. Or to make a soup and just have a bowl of it, and make sure the bowl is full of things like beans and potatoes and protein (satiating foods)? Without filling it full of a bunch of umami and fat and salt. Still tasty, but not so crave-able. Delicious and filling and fulfilling.

The only problem now is the constant hunger. There’s a nice part of me that knows, “It’s just in your head” but it is distracting and overwhelming and it feels not sustainable. Which is why I wish I could get my hands on SOMETHING that will take the edge off. My issue isn’t comfort, stress or other emotional eating, or cravings, or even that I love junk food. My issue is plain and simple, hunger. And if I could take the edge off of that, I think the weight would melt off.

The only issue is sustainability. If semaglutide helps with hunger, my doctor or insurance cutting off access will mean I’ll lose, lose access, and regain. There doesn’t seem to be any long-term solution, yet. And insurance companies are profit-driven. They’re not there to help, they’re there to make a profit. And many doctors still seem to think it’s an issue of willpower. I can overcome the doctor. Can I overcome the insurance?

I’ve literally felt like I’m starving for over a month. I’m basically at the same weight because it’s hard to not just make another protein shake, or a bit more chicken and veggies, or whatever it is, because I’m so hungry. My concentration and focus sucks. I’m tired and light headed. And have lost no pounds. I’m basically maybe 100 calories below maintenance so it’ll take me a month to lose a pound. That’s not sustainable. All of this stress for a pound per month? And then I’ll just be hungry until I gain it back.

I’ve struggled my whole life with my weight. Shouldn’t I get to play on “easy” for awhile?

Progress is exciting

I think part of what makes restarting exercise and diet so hard after you’ve been doing it for awhile, and take a short break, is how you don’t see a ton of progress. You haven’t regressed enough to struggle, and then overcome. Conversely, when you’re basically new at exercise or are dieting for the first time, you have this exciting new period. A period where you’re learning and getting better at the diet, and moreover, for me, where you see rapid improvements through exercise.

Don’t get me wrong, starting either are horribly hard because of some limitations. Changing how you’re eating is tough, emotionally and even physically. And everything is harder when you’re overweight. Absolutely everything. When I was basically on bed rest, but had lost all of that weight, I’d constantly find myself amazed at how (comparably) easy physical stuff was. Even in pain, even with no endurance, even without much to eat, even with overwhelming stress, things were easier. So, you have that higher hurdle when you get started.

But if you can step back and start where you are, and compare only to you, the progress you can make in those first months is really motivating.

This week I’ve been tracking my workouts. I’m trying to walk between workouts when the weather isn’t miserable. I also am tracking how hard a workout is, how much I can complete, how frustrated I get, and even making note of workouts I enjoy so if I start a workout and hate it, I have a backup plan.

I did four non-walking workouts this week. Three I marked as fun. Three of four! And I completed 85%+ of all of the workouts and really haven’t been frustrated like I was in the first couple of weeks. And how I’ve been for a few months trying to work in Peloton strength workouts.

The Peloton workouts aren’t bad, there’s just no real way to organize them like I have my Firms. I know my Firm workouts well enough to know which are truly easier. Not ranked that way by a bunch of strangers. Length doesn’t mean easier. More cardio doesn’t mean easier. Lower weight, even, doesn’t mean easier. I’ve actually been least frustrated with full strength workouts, using heavier weights. Everyone is different.

And while I have quite a collection of Firm workouts, it’s not this limited mass like Peloton. Again, their workouts are good, it’s just a hard, hard place to start after such a stretch recovering from surgery,

I have made more progress since the beginning of the year than the last three months. Im excited to workout. I look forward to my class. I feel slightly sore after but not miserable. But I can tell the next day I worked out the prior day. All of it is an encouraging feedback loop.

My advice is if you’re restarting, do something you know, enjoy and can predict. If you’re starting brand new, find a handful of workouts/classes you enjoy and keep track of those. Lean on those when you don’t like what’s in front of you to not lose motivation.

And most important, be patient. My progress wouldn’t wow anyone looking at a picture or even comparing their work to mine. But I am impressed with me, and that’s the most important hurdle!

The Empowerment of Strength Training

Almost twenty years ago, I was just coming out of college and had gained weight. I never had to watch what I ate in high school because I was so active. I was never ultra-thin, but I also never really worried. Now, I was frustrated. I was doing a ton of cardio. During this time, things like aerobics and Tae Bo were popular. My sisters and I would do them together, but I saw NO weight loss. My mom encouraged me to find a way to add in weights. In high school, I took a weight lifting class, but beyond that, had no idea what to do.

The The Firm informercial wandered into my life. Man, infomercials. Are those still a thing? Anyway, I was always skeptical of infomercials because they usually were gimmicky. So I watched this infomercial every time it came on. It was intriguing. Three workouts. Incorporating weights, building muscle. It included a three-in-one step. It seemed interesting and fun. I asked my mom what she thought. She said she thought it would be worth the investment if I’d do it.

It wasn’t cheap, especially for a just-out-of-college new-adult. So I waited a few months before I finally had the courage. $100 of my own hard earned money. I was ready. I remember calling and ordering.

When the system arrived, I took it out of the box and did it for the first time, without weights, even. The instructor suggested no weights for beginners. I lived at home at this time, and my dad came home from work as I was nearing the end of the 55 minute Cardio Sculpt workout. He made a bit of a joke and I said, “These are my new workouts. This is the hardest workout I’ve ever done, and I’m not even using weights!” He was super encouraging and said it was good to have a bit of a challenge and he wouldn’t want to pay a lot for an easy workout.

My mom helped me setup an area in the basement to workout, and I bought two sets of dumbbells to start with, though the workout suggested three. I started with sets of 3 and 5 pounds. And used no weights for light moves, 3s for medium weights and 5s for heavy. I looked for 8 pound weights in the meantime.

For the first couple of weeks, EVERYTHING hurt. Walking, sitting down, going up or down stairs, turning. It was so wild. I had been sore during volleyball “hell week,” but this was a different kind of sore. Probably because I was so out of shape, and hadn’t worked out since high school (save those aerobics workouts).

I did three workouts a week. And I could never make it through a whole workout without resting. There was one spot in Cardio Sculpt where I’d be so out of breath, I’d usually lay down to catch my breath while they did a set of lunges on either side. Push-ups (on my knees) were killer. And the “leg press” move (stepping up onto the 14” box) was especially hard, with or without weights, though I usually was holding 5 pound dumbbells.

Then one day I finished the whole workout. And at some point found eight pound dumbbells. And few months later, moved into my first place on my own. I kept working out, and also worked on renovating my new place. One day I was shopping at a home improvement store with my mom and my sweats were falling off and I remarked the elastic must be going bad.

My mom said, “Or you’ve lost weight?” I forgot to mention, after I bought the workouts, I got on the scale and had gone UP in weight. I think I gained three or four pounds before I got super frustrated and my mom encouraged me to keep working out, and stay off the scale. I took her literally, and with the move, didnt even own a scale. Next time I stopped by their house, I stepped on the scale and was down over 20 pounds. I then realized my work clothes were also hanging off of me.

I love this version of myself. Working out because I loved it – totally detached from weight, loving being stronger. I found a couple of pairs of pants on sale, and was down two whole sizes! I went to work and my coworker, a very, very kind older woman, was like, “You look great! I’m so glad you were able to splurge and enjoy your weight loss!” I was like, “I didn’t even realize I’d lost that much weight until my sweats were falling off and my mom told me!” She laughed and said, “I envy that about you. It’s not about how you look, anyway. If you’re happy and feel good, that’s what matters.”

I continued doing the two workouts in the set (the third workout was an ab workout I rarely did, until The Firm came out with a second set, BSS 2 (making the first set BSS 1). I bought that set, too. Then I bought BSS 3 when it came out. And BSS 4. And then discovered some add on videos.

It wasn’t all sunshine. In the meantime, I’d go in and out of motivation, largely influenced by worm stress, or getting sick and losing motivation. And in the interim 20 years I also collected some “classic” Firm workouts from prior to 2002.

Of all the diets I’ve done, and all of the types of workouts I’ve tried, The Firm has been the workouts I’ve consistently, time and again, gone back to and always had success with. I think partly, they appealed to beginner exercisers, including older women who may have never lifted weights. I think they had exceptional cuing and beautiful set designs, and simple music, and approachable, kind coaches. But, mostly, I think it was the community. Even today, there are women (and men) doing these workouts religiously. And they’re as supportive and encouraging now as they were then.

After last year with the health struggles and surgeries and bed rest and recovery, I’m FINALLY a strong enough to workout. But it’s discouraging because I’ve lost so much strength and endurance. So I’m restarting with some of the shorter and easier Firms.

The first workout I did this week was Cardio Sculpt Blaster. I love this video for unconventional reasons. I bought it because it was an add on, and it was a “Cardio Sculpt” video. Remember the first workout I did after I got the set? The 55 minute one? It was called Cardio Sculpt and it is my FAVORITE Firm. So, to see a video with basically the same name in a shortened version? Sold! Well, I got it and it was so easy, I did it once and almost gave it away. Well, guess what’s not too hard now? Cardio Sculpt Blaster.

This is a 30 minute workout that has cardio sequences with some very light weights. In fact, the weights are light enough, this video is categorized as a “cardio” workout (though, to be fair, it does use weights, and it does some strength moves). Lisa is a great instructor, and I consider this the easiest Firm I own. Always a good way to get started and build some strength, endurance, and most of all, confidence.

The next video I did was Body Sculpt Blaster. Also a thirty minute workout. And the title is an offshoot of the other video in my original set: Body Sculpt. This workout is all strength. Upper and lower squeezed into thirty minutes. I actually think this workout is harder than some of the longer workouts, but it’s quick. And I really wanted to build strength. I probably did about 75% of this workout, resting some to get through.

After finishing the workout, I felt so confident the next day, I did a short barre workout and a short yoga workout. And all day today I was excited to workout tonight.

I chose to do the upper body portion of Body Sculpt. Body Sculpt is definitely in my top ten of most done workouts. I also always think of it as such a hard workout. And when you do full body, it definitely is tough. But I wanted to try the upper body portion alone. I did the whole workout, resting only occasionally at the end of a set because my muscles couldn’t do it. Not endurance, as I’ve had issues with. And I used 5, 8 and 10 pound dumbbells! Don’t get me wrong, the sore I’ll feel tomorrow is apparent right this second. But I did the whole upper body portion! Maybe I can do this!

Or, maybe that part of the workout really is pretty easy. But like I said, working out is about gaining strength, endurance and confidence. And these workouts are so empowering for me. I get intimidated restarting, but then quickly realize why I loved them to begin with. Even almost twenty years later.

So, what’s the plan? I’ve made a 12 week rotation. Three workouts a week, slowly increasing in length and toughness of workout. Some of my favorites I’ve added, including the aforementioned Cardio Sculpt with partial completion goals. Say, for example, the first 25 minutes of the workout plus the cool down and stretch. And I work up, in the calendar, to doing the whole workout by the end of the twelfth week. I’m going through all of my shorter (40 minutes or less) workouts, and doing partials of a couple longer ones. My calendar has one cardio workout every other week, and otherwise is full of sculpt and cardio-sculpt workouts. The sculpt workouts are all lifting. The cardio-sculpt workouts do lifting with cardio/step intervals between. There are three types:

• Classics – A pretty even 50-50 mix of cardio and weights, with moderate weights at moderate speeds.
• Hares – These have a bit more cardio and the weights sections tend to be a bit lighter and the lifting reps go a bit faster because the weights are lower. More wight lifting in these workouts than those categorized as “cardio.”
• Tortoise – These have more lifting than cardio, and the weights used are heavier and the reps are slower because the weight is heavier. Before I knew the categorization of the workout types, I found my favorites were often these. Cardio Sculpt is a tortoise. So I’ve tried to work in more tortoise workouts in my calendar.

So, that’s it! That’s where I am. I am not 100% recovered from my surgery, in that I still have some lingering symptoms, but I no longer feel like I have a setback or more pain when I do workout. I’m hopeful that lifting will build some strength and slowly melt off a bit of this weight I’ve gained. Because even though many people don’t acknowledge it, everything is harder when you weigh more. I miss how much easier everything was, even simply moving around, my flexibility, and even things like jogging, simply weighing less.

I am hopeful strength training will, once again, build my confidence and empower me. Plus, it’s never bad to be stronger. And I hope to have a it of fun along the way. And maybe I’ll celebrate my twentieth year as a Firm Believer in November, and I’ll have a reason to splurge on a new outfit, just like I did in February of 2003!

Are you now or were you a Firm Believer? What was your favorite workout? I wonder if I have it, or if I should get it. The only workout I want to try but can’t get is The Tortoise. But I’m hardly sad because of it. I have a handful of the recompiled workouts where you get bits from a variety, and I know I do parts of that workout in other workouts.

Lost Strength – Frustrations Rebuilding

In 2020 I developed an abscess that led to a fistula, which led to a seton then an advancement flap. All of this is pretty rare. Abscess leading to a fistula is like a 1:10, I believe. Needing more than a fistulotomy is like a 25% chance.

I DID beat the odds healing up from the advancement flap on the first try. So, yay for that! However, the recovery was BRUTAL. I was totally immobile for five or six months, then couldn’t do much in the way of working out for four or five months after that. And let me tell you, muscle wastes away FAST.

I made huge diet changes before surgery and lost a good amount of weight, and after the first surgery, I was in so much pain I had no appetite, so I lost more. However, after the second surgery, after I started to feel better but still couldn’t workout, my appetite was out of control. I ate thinking eventually I’d be full and feel well enough to workout again.

But that time never really came. In all, I lost 75 pounds. I’ve gained 45 back. And I can finally workout again. First, I want to acknowledge how much easier EVERYTHING is when your weight is lower. And, conversely, how much harder everything is when you’re overweight. If you’re here with me, I see you. It IS harder. So, be kind to yourself.

But, man, it is SO frustrating. So frustrating. Strangely, I’ve regained some endurance. I can run intervals again. But lifting weights makes me want to cry. I want to throw a dumbbell through a wall. And as cliche as it is, I’m ready to set two New Years resolutions.

1. Gain back my strength and endurance. Get strong again.
2. Be more organized,

The second one is about my house. Once a week, I’m cleaning ONE thing. One dresser, one closet, one drawer, one cabinet, one shelf.

But the first one, it’s about figuring out how to be healthy and strong. I think the weight gain is making everything REALLY hard. But the loss of strength is enormous, too. I used to be able to lift and move and carry anything. Now? I’ve lost so much.

I also lost a huge amount of flexibility and mobility, of which I never had a lot in my best days. But my whole body HURTS. And I think that’s why running is easier. I don’t need much range of motion to run, but do with yoga and lifting.

So, what am I doing? Trying to do SOMETHING. Trying to do some yoga, even if it’s just 10-15 minutes. Or even ten to fifteen minutes of a strength workout. I’m trying to remember what it was like to get back into walking after surgery. It was a huge challenge. I started with ONE minute. And worked up to five minutes. Walking five minutes was huge. And I did that a few times a day. I remember the first day I walked around the block. I was waving at everyone I saw. I felt like I climbed an entire mountain.

So, I need the same attitude here. What can I do everyday? What can my milestones be? How can I start at the easiest approach? I pulled out two The Firm videos I own but almost never did because they were too easy. Guess what? They aren’t now.

Oh, and I have a frozen shoulder. Which leads to neck pain and headaches, so even somethings as simple as chest openers and shoulder warmup moves. And that’s complicating things more.

I’m also trying to work on my cholesterol levels, so I’m eating more fiber. I’m trying not to be too restrictive with my diet, short of the foods I can’t have. But I’m being intentional about eating more fiber, and replacing some meat with beans.

So, here we are. Today, I did:

• The Firm Cardio Sculpt Blaster – Probably the easiest Firm workout I have that still includes weights. And I took some breaks, and kept telling myself, “In a few months, I bet this workout will be easy. And I’ll remember THIS struggle.” I can’t wait.
• Fifteen minute treadmill walk. I get so bored on the tread, but do like to walk everyday. It’s below freezing today and ice on the ground, so I figured ten or fifteen minutes was an accomplishment!

And tomorrow, who knows? But today was a success!

Everything I need to heal is already inside me.

About three months ago, I started exhaling doubt when I’d get anxiety about healing from my surgery. I am a control freak, and I have never been so out of control. Apparently, my go-to when I can’t be in control is to be negative. Worst case negative. Extreme worst case negative.

I hated being this way. And I wanted to not be this way, but I couldn’t figure out how. I thought I’d worked to conquer my perfectionism, but apparently that didn’t extend to my health, especially when I wasn’t in control.

I was doing healing meditations, but that was an hour, at most, out of my day. So I sought out simple mantras. The first one was simply, “Exhale doubt.” When I started to worry, I’d exhale doubt. I’d say it to myself, take a deep breath and imagine physically exhaling the doubt.

Strangely, my pain decreased after I did it. This encouraged me to do it more and seek out more meditations and hypnosis around healing. And after a few months of marked improvement, wanted a variety of mantras. I’d still exhale doubt first. I’d either inhale “trust my body knows how to heal/wants to heal” or “the earth’s/universe’s healing energy.” If I could see or was outside, I’d do the latter. Otherwise, I’d remind myself my body knows how to heal and wants to heal and I need to trust it. I’d also occasionally exhale my injury. Reminding myself I might be holding onto my injury for some reason. And if I didn’t know why, I could still tell my body and mind I was ready to heal.

Currently, I remind myself, “Everything I need to heal is already inside me.” Reminding myself, again, my body wants and knows how to heal. Plus the nutrients from my food, the calm from meditating and restorative yoga, sleeping, and positive thoughts are supporting my body’s natural inclination to heal. I say this mantra through the day, in any quiet moment. Every time I go to the bathroom, I say it to myself. If I’m in the elevator, I say it to myself. When I’m waiting for a meeting to start, I say it to myself.

Occasionally, sometimes even with no reason, I’ve noticed I start to panic that I won’t heal. My heart rate will rise, and my thoughts will race. If I can, and often it’s during down time, I will stop what I’m doing and meditate. Usually I’ll do an actual healing meditation, but sometimes I’ll just lay down and breathe, exhaling doubt, trying to slow my breaths, reminding myself my body IS healing. I’ve seen such progress, there’s no doubt my body is healing.

I haven’t read much on the science of positive though, calming negative thought, or anything in the realm of meditation or hypnosis, but I’m a believer. Like I said, I’m doing a ton of stuff to support my body’s healing, but focusing on positive affirmations, calming my anxiety, unwinding negativity has had a huge impact. So much has changed since I started, I can’t help but think it has to help.

And if positive thoughts and self care go this far in healing, how much does it help in my everyday life?

Simplicity Lost

After removing myself from all social events from March 2020 through May 2021, I was able to focus on what I miss, and what I don’t. I love getting together with friends. I missed conversation with friends. I did not miss the chaos of getting together with friends. The coordination, the backing out, the chaos the day of to get ready.

It’s become commonplace among all of my different friends group that to get together we need to have a huge meal. Or something else extravagant. When we were younger, we’d buy some beer (or whatever your drink of choice) and sit around talking, maybe playing games, and that was it. When did it get so complicated?

And I think part of everything being so complicated, so curated, such an event, is part of why getting together is exhausting. I want to end that. I want to get together with the purpose of connecting. Not eating, not having Instagram worthy pictures, not having an event to brag about in a status. Just simple connection and community.

But even when I suggest it, it’s like my friends need that chaos to make getting together worth it?

I’ve changed my diet, so that’s part of the reason I’m questioning these gatherings. I’m trying to figure out if I can retain the connection but detach from the food. All of my friends say they’re insane busy and overwhelmed. So they agree, “let’s do simple! It sounds so refreshing!” But by the time the day comes around, there are suddenly extravagant side dishes and intricate meals. I don’t really care to participate because I like the freedom of NOT spending an entire weekend day cooking, then the evening hanging out late, then being exhausted the next day.

So I’m not sure where I fit. It’s unfair to expect my friends to change. So maybe I need a new set of friends who just want simple connection? Maybe introverts? Because right now I don’t fit in. I am ready to keep a simple life. I just care about friendships. Not the trappings. And I’m happy to compromise, but these extravagant gatherings are something I don’t miss. Even if my diet were varied, I feel pre-exhausted just discussing the days.

I don’t know what’s next.

I am ready to let go…

I’m ready to let go…

• Of friends who weren’t friends but I kept being nice to anyway. Now my time is more valuable than making them a priority over my own mental and physical well-being.
• Of trying to see others’ perspectives when they refuse to see mine, or anyone else’s. If they’re closed to cooperating and compromising, there’s no reason I should put in any effort.
• Of trying to explain the truth to those who would rather be entertained by conspiracies. I know society is weaker because of this, but that’s not my problem to fix.
• Of trying to look a certain way. Or fit in a certain category. Today I might straighten my hair and tomorrow wear it natural. I don’t need to always be one way or another. I can wear a suit today, a dress tomorrow, and come home and crawl into sweats. These are also all me. I can wear makeup today, and not tomorrow, and be the same me. Society tries to make me think I need to define muse,f and measure myself against its expectations. I’m done with this.
• Of anything weight loss related. This one I let go long ago, but I’m still not dieting to lose weight, and the weight I want to be has nothing to do with weight or looks. It has to do with feeling and being healthy.
• Of compromising the things important to me for people who don’t care what’s important to me. I realized I was feeling guilty for setting boundaries with my health this past year. I’m finally done pleasing people at the cost of me.

I read a thing that said 2020 was transformative for a lot of people on the mental and physical health front. Unfortunately it seems people either focused and improved or coped and lost ground. As one who focused and improved, I’m not giving up the ground I’ve gained this past year.

My health, mental and physical, is my number one priority. I am strong. I m resilient. I can heal. I am worthy of health. My body wants to be healthy, strong, and heal.

Is it anxiety? Or insecurity and martyrdom?

I want to preface this by saying I’m not talking about the anxiety without a specific source. Just the weight on you that you can’t explain. I’ve had that, and only minor anxiety. Usually at night, just after I fall asleep, I awaken in panic. And in a few minutes I realize there’s no source or cause, just anxiety. That’s not what this is about. It’s about the things we can identify. But we identify them, categorize them as anxiety, rather than insecurity, or martyrdom, and unfairly place blame outside of our own selves.

Over the past five years, I’ve worked through things I used to categorize as anxiety and realized they were simply my insecurities. Areas I lacked confidence in myself. Or ideas others have given me I’ve assumed everyone believes, so I tried to mold myself into. I was trying to be them, or meet the standards society has set. Let me give some examples and explain how powerful working on my self-esteem and self-worth and reframing the story so I own it, rather than pushing ownership out has helped me in a profound way.

First, a thing I often hear is about people frantically cleaning before their closest friends or family members come to visit. I understand we don’t choose our family, but we DO a choose our friends. Are you telling me your friends are judgmental assholes? No, they’re not. None of my friends are. If they were, they wouldn’t be my friends, and I certainly wouldn’t invite them into my home. My personal safe place, my sanctuary, where I find peace. Why would I sabotage it? Only two reasons: 1. I’m being a martyr, or 2. I’m lying about who cares.

The first one, being a martyr, is a common thing women do. We are told by society our worth comes from being pretty, busy and giving up ourselves for everyone else. By ourselves I mean time, sanity, health, freedom, personal views, even personality. Often we get praise by giving up our own self interest and freedom. This is the plight of many moms, but women struggle with this in careers and in general. So in the case of cleaning the house, we are martyrs, making our home perfect “for the guests.” Guests who likely don’t care. I’d they do care, why do we care what they think? We get praise for giving up our time, sanity and freedom to “do for other. “ Even when what we are doing doesn’t matter. If we are giving up, we are praised.

So if you’re giving your YOU up to get praise, recognize you’re doing that FOR YOU, not for your guests. Society conditioned you, of course, but recognize what’s happening. Recognize you are doing it for a society reward, even if the reward has no value. Realize this and realize you’re doing for you, then decide if YOU a really want this. Often, if we are honest, we do. But is what we are getting worth the cost? It’s like wanting that slice of pizza but it costs $50 for an average $3 slice of pizza. We DO want it, but what we have to give up for it isn’t actually worth it. Then we spend the $50 and complain later, when we chose to spend the $50. No one made us. We simply wanted the pizza.

Now, doing this is fine. If you think the payoff is worth it. But OWN it. Own that it’s for you, not a guest. Own that you want that pizza so bad, mostly just to talk about the cost of it, that you over-paid for it. You made the decision, for you. If complaining about it later, or not getting praise for the facade you’ve put on weren’t the carrot, would you chase the stick?

Now, can you clean the house for you, admit it was a nice reason to do it because YOU like the house clean. Because you like giving your guests what you wish you’d give yourself? Now we are on to something! Most of us love our clean houses. We say we feel more relaxed. We wish we made it a priority, for us, because we like it. So, why don’t we? Often because we are stuck in martyr or insecurity loop elsewhere. Be really honest, what’s important to you, and what are you getting by giving it up? I’m NOT saying everyone cares about a clean house. Many don’t. It’s simply an example. What’s your clean house and guest? What $3 pizza slice are you paying $50 for and complaining about later. Why don’t you own it and stop?

And if your spouse wants the house clean and you don’t care, pay the $50. Literally. For a service. Or he or she can do it. Whoever it’s a priority for should do it, or agree to pay for it. It’s NOT on the woman to do it. And if you believe it is, you’re a martyr again. If you have kids, make them do their parts. Being a martyr to spoil your child is like buying the pizza AND catching the pizza restaurant on fire. Your kids need life skills, you’re the only one who can teach them. And that’s something you signed up for as a parent, but, again, it takes two to have kids. Don’t carry the load by yourself if the other parent is in the picture. And ask for help if you need it! From the other parent, a service, or a family member or friend.

Alright, so martyr. Women, society tells you to be a martyr. But here’s a life hack: you don’t have to be! YOU choose if you want to be a martyr or not. And every time you blame your situation on someone else, ask if you’re being a martyr. And if you are, STOP. Or if you like the praise, then admit it to yourself and you’re no longer a martyr. You’re looking for praise.

So, I’m not free of occasionally being a martyr, but I let that societal expectation go years ago. When I find myself feeling sorry for myself for being a martyr, I make myself admit I’m being a martyr. And I can either choose to do the action of my own volition. Or I can reject it and society’s expectations. I mostly do the latter. And let me tell you, life is so much more joyful! If I choose to do it, I recognize why I’m doing it, and find a reason I want to do it. For me. Not for praise. Not to “fit in” to a society I don’t even want to fit into. But because I want to do it. For example, some days (pre-covid), I’ll participate in food days at work. Other times they’ll have a theme I don’t like, or I’m too busy, or have committed to other things and I’ll pass. I won’t do it and complain about how busy I was and what this took out of me. I’ll either pass, honestly, or I’ll participate and enjoy it.

Next is insecurity. I would say insecurity rules the world. Unlike martyrdom, which targets women, insecurity doesn’t discriminate. And it makes us do all kinds of things. It turns us into bullies, and makes us aggressive and defensive, and makes us not volunteer, or volunteer and not ask for help when we need it. And it makes us anxious. But this anxiety isn’t sourceless. It’s caused by our insecurity, which we can improve if we simply face and accept that we are insecure. But when you’re insecure, it’s often easier to point away from ourselves than to say, “Huh, that’s me doing that to me.”

Let’s use the cleaning house example again. In this case, put martyrdom aside. We often blame the guests, but this time we say they’re going to judge us. We are cleaning like crazy because we don’t want the guests to see the true state of our house (insecurity) because they will judge us (projection of our insecurity). I used to do this until I realized I was saying my friends were judgmental jerks. What? No they’re not! I was embarrassed. My friends are awesome, that’s why I’m friends with them.

So, if I admit my friends are awesome, why am I cleaning? Because I’m insecure. I’m afraid I’m not enough. I’m afraid they’ll see the real me. But if I’m afraid of that, are they my friends? No, I actually have great faith in my friends. To overcome this, I need to be brave and say, “I will not blame my friends for my insecurity, I will confront my insecurity.”

There are a million ways to do this, but the way I did it was when my friends got to my house and said it looked nice, i said, “I was afraid if I didn’t clean, you’d judge how dirty my house was.” Before they could respond, I said, “But I know you wouldn’t. I know that, but I kept telling myself that.” They admitted they don’t care, AND that they do the same thing. We all agreed we’d only clean our houses for ourselves moving forward. Not to some impeccable, judgement-avoided level. But to a level we are happy with on that day. And you know what? I changed how I clean. And they say they have, too. Get together are less stressful when I’m hosting AND I’ve never noticed a difference in their houses, and I bet they haven’t in mine.

Now I clean as a good host. I clear the table, so everyone doesn’t have to before we eat. I get ice for drinks. I clean the toilets and clean the kitchen if I’m cooking. Make room in the fridge. I make their visit comfortable for them, but not unattainable perfect looking. And guess what? We get together MORE now (well, pre-covid). We never apologize for the mess. And I hope they’re happier like I am.

Another example of this is my perfectionism at work. I blame the anxiety on losing my job. But that’s not fair to my boss, who has never fired anyone for a mistake. And my work, in general, is fairly laid back.

I accepted my perfectionism was my insecurity. I was insecure with someone finding a mistake. It had nothing to do with job security and everything to do with my fragile ego. I stopped making excuses for my mistake, and simply thanking people who found them and changed them. And my job reviews have been as good as ever. In fact they’re better because I’m not caught in the weeds of making details no one really cares about perfect. And, instead, I can think bigger. Turns out I’m pretty good at long term and strategic thinking.

The truth is, everyone has insecurity. But successful people confront it and work to overcome it. It’s very trendy to blame someone else, but be honest about how fair that is to someone else to blame them for your own issues. It is not fair. And you get nothing out of it. Instead, confront it, own it, accept it, overcome it.

The Autoimmune Community Can Be Toxic

I’m very proud of the work I’ve done with diet and lifestyle to keep my autoimmune disorder in remission. Not everyone with an AI is so lucky, and they use medicine of different types plus diet and lifestyle to stay in remission. Neither of us are better or worse. Just simply, one of us needs medicine as that extra step for support. In the autoimmune community there are three sets of people, generally. Of course, with a large group, there can be many more. There are those who use only medicine, and don’t see much progress with or think diet or lifestyle produce enough results to be worth the work (most don’t mind others use diet or lifestyle, and they might leverage it some – focusing on sleep or stress for example). There’s the diet and lifestyle group who swear by it, but are supportive of other supportive medical measures, including other natural remedies and holistic approaches, but also trust the medical community. And there are the diet and lifestyle ONLY group, who are also fairly distrusting of doctors in general. They’re into holistic, and super critical of people who seek traditional medical care or use any sort of biologics, and see that as a sign of weakness and almost “sheeple” aggressiveness. The first two groups coexist pretty well, but the third group is, in my opinion, strung up on their own ego and pretty insufferable. And the number one reason I leave support groups.

Most of these groups come in saying they’re open, but, and especially this past year with covid, are very aggressive and attacking. Attacking the idea of the vaccine. Just the IDEA of it is threatening. Attacking those who want or get the vaccine. And attacking especially those who share resources on the safety of it, or their own reasons they got it.

These people are toxic. Anyone who thinks they know everything, generally know the least. And I am sick of these loud mouths intimidating and putting at risk others in these communities. Some communities openly restrict talk of vaccines, which I think is also part of the problem.

We are all suffering and struggling. And in no part of life is there a single right path. And those who think there is are often the ones who are closed off and judgmental. They’re exhausting and have no perspective. Yet they speak the loudest and impact those trying to learn.

I’m so, so glad I’ve been dealing with these groups for fifteen years. I know more than someone telling me the disease, which is new and transmitted from an animal, and has no safety history, is safer than the vaccine. When millions of people have died of the disease. It’s so frustrating because those who are most vulnerable are made to feel scared of getting vaccinated. And they’re made to believe their doctors, who have actual medical training, know less and read less research and studies, than these yahoos in a group.

I down to ONE autoimmune group, and it’s a workout group with autoimmune folks. They talk openly about their experiences with the vaccine, why they’re concerned, their experience with both the disease and the vaccine. There are actual doctors in the group, which helps. And the focus of the group is exercise not AI. But it’s wild that the other four groups have gotten so toxic as the vaccine has become widely available that they’re inhabitable.

I wish the AI community could do better and be better. Be open minded and supportive, not rigid and judgmental. We all deserve better. At the very least, please consider whose life YOU are risking by spreading conspiracies and shame.

As things return to “normal,” will I?

Like everyone, this past year was the most unique in my lifetime. I truly did take the pandemic seriously, the entire time. I haven’t gone out with friends for over a year – not dinner or drinks. Most of my friends didn’t do anything outdoors (that were strictly outdoors) so there weren’t many options I passed up. My family refused masks and refused, out of rebellion, I guess, to do anything outdoors. So I skipped all gatherings. Including holidays.

Instead, I had a lot of time with me. Just me. I’m single, no roommates. So I spent a lot of time alone at home, walking outside, working in my garden. And as we round the corner of a year, and I’m a week out from vaccine, and everyone is celebrating returning to “normal” (even though most people I know gave up before the holidays), I’m questioning what I want 2021 and beyond to look like. There are many things I don’t miss.

1. I don’t miss scrambling. I ate out most meals, never exercised, never got enough sleep, barely had time to breathe. My priorities were work and friends. Work because I need a paycheck. Friends because without a partner, I think I believed I NEEDED friends, and to keep them, I always had to say “yes.” I don’t want any of this back. Even at work, I stopped saying “yes” to be easy.

2. I don’t miss being always spun up. After getting sick mid year (more on that later), I started prioritizing rest, recovery, relaxation and digestion. I was constantly in stress/sympathetic. Now, I’m very aware when I’m there, and counter-act it with the parasympathetic state, even at work, home, etc. I am aware when I’m stressed now, rather than it being a constant buzz. I start and end days with relaxation and intention.

3. I don’t miss drinking. It’s funny because my late teens and all of my twenties, I drank for entertainment, to connect with friends, and to unwind. In my thirties, I did the same, except rather than unwinding, it started creating more anxiety the next day, so I naturally drank less. I haven’t had a drink for almost a year and don’t miss it. I miss relaxing with friends, but would rather connect than disconnect. I’d rather laugh genuinely than because I’m buzzed. No judgement for drinking but I don’t miss it.

4. I don’t miss ignoring my health. What happened mid-year wasn’t really because I ignored anything. In fact, it might have been from cycling more. But between covid and this issue, I realized my health had taken a backseat to, well, everything. Everyone else was more important than me. Work, friends, family. I wanted people to like me, and in the process didn’t like myself very much. Over this last year, I’ve grown to love myself. To see I’m worth the time, the effort, the cost to keep up with my health. And it has to be my priority because it will never be anyone else’s. As a result, and despite still recovering from surgery, I feel the best I’ve felt in years. Decades, even.

5. Family isn’t everything, especially when politics take over. This has been a rough year for many with politics. Made worse by a pandemic and election that were intended by the last administration, for his own gain, to be divisive. But no matter whose decision, my family members chose their stance, and much of their stance is conspiracies, anger, fear and hate. I love my family, but I cannot and will not love them more than I love myself. Their beliefs and attitudes are toxic and dysfunctional, and I deserve better. The pandemic gave me space I needed. My sickness did offer a bridge where politics, conspiracies, anger, fear and hate were put on pause, but like anything toxic, it seeps through. And it’s hard to want to be around. I’m not sure how I’ll handle this one as I don’t want a complete break, but it’s sad that when I get my vaccine, the thing I’m most looking forward to is NOT seeing my family. It breaks my heart, but thinking of getting together and hearing the vitriol and the ego-centered “everyone but me is an idiot” talk is so negative and overwhelming. I don’t want it in my life. At all. And unfortunately,heels are dug in. And they choose this negativity over a peaceful family gathering. It’s so boastful, just like the former president, who also loved himself and his ideas more than any person. Unfortunately, the attitude hasn’t dissipated since he’s left office and lost his platforms. This is one I’m still meditating on. I don’t want to change them and try not to try. But it’s hard to hear and see the things they think and do and not try to shift perspectives. Or stop the negativity and victim hood. But it’s a lost cause. And sitting in the toxic soup is exhausting. So I’ll keep working on this one and am not in a hurry to get back but know I can’t avoid forever.

As you can see, while many people are ready to get back to “normal” I have drastically shifted the course of my life. And love where I am. I love my new life. I love where I am and who I’ve become. There are many things I’m still working on on myself, including boundaries. It will be harder to NOT go back to normal, but I have to remember I am better off, happier, healthier and more at peace where I am. I need this to continue, for me. I’m worth it.